I've successfully managed to push everyone away
So much so that now, when I need someone
They are not here
All I want is "someone" to just wrap their arms around me and say . . .
I'm here.
Then, just don't let me go.

Quote

"You will never find the answer until you ask the question." KI

 "Picture the life that you want and that image will become fact."

"Make a decision, even if it's wrong."

"You can never undo the past, only change the future." KI

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.  ~Sally Field

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.  ~Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive

Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right.  ~Henry Ford

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.  ~Peter T. Mcintyre

Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got.  ~Sophia Loren

A gold medal is a nice thing - but if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it.  ~From Cool Runnings

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  ~Marianne Williamson

Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.  ~Gene Fowler, Skyline, 1961

Laugh like nobody is listening
Dance like nobody is watching
And Love . . . Like you've never been hurt.
Irish Proverb

Quote's

Only when you let go and lose control
Will you gain control...
Of yourself...
And your life

 

~K I~

 

Don't put love out there
Expecting to get it back
You won't
Just put as much love out there as you can
And you will receive as much
If not more
As long as you don't expect to

 ~K I~

 

I'm sorry that I never called you when I wanted to
Im sorry that I never turned to you when I needed to
That I managed to push you away when I needed you near
That I never told you you inspire in me
The will to be better
Just so that you would be proud of me
The will to keep going
The will to survive

Standing on the beach she holds his hand
Smiling he looks down at her
Giving a slight squeeze to her small hand
As if to to say I am here
She feels a comfort only he can provide
He's looking at the most beautiful woman he's even seen
The woman that he wants to be with until the day he dies
The wind blows her hair as the sun begins to set
She smiles at him and looks around
Nobody else around but them and few friends
She wears a simple white flowing dress
To his casual pants and shirt
Her eyes sparkle in the sunset
As she takes a deep breath of the ocean air
The strong hand holds hers tight as the priest asks,
"Who gives this woman?"
In her heart and soul she hears a distant father say,
"I do."
In her ear she hears a brother say,
"I do."
The priest begins his speech
As she looks at the man beside her
She feels that he is as happy as she
She never thought this day would come to pass
The past a long hard road
But now she sees a future ahead
Long wished and awaited for
Of a happiness that only they together could have

Would they notice if I were gone
If I walked out the door
Never to return
Would they notice
Would they miss me if I were gone
Would they try to stop me
If they knew I were leaving
Would they miss me
Would they tell me - I want you to stay
If they thought they'd never see me again
What could they say
If I were already gone and it were to late
Would they notice if I were gone

Remember me
Not as I am
But as I was
Remember me
When all is lost
And darkness creeps in
Remember me
To brighten the dark
Remember me
When I am gone
Remember me
And know I will always be there

Liquid crystals silently falling in the night
Unheard in the quiet
Unseen in the dark
Quietly falling one after the other
Disappearing into the night
Come mornings light all unknown
Wiped away have the cystals been
All to disguise the loss within
Sun shines once again
Through the windows to her soul
What happens in the night stays a secret
Between her and the moon
Only to happen once again
Once darkness fades the light of the day
And of the windows to her soul

She wishes she had a time machine
She remembers a day
A day that she wants back
A day to tell the girl
Don't be afraid to say yes!
Yes to the boy
The boy that says,
"Will you go out with me?"
What would've happened
Would her world still be the same
Would her dreams be reality
She remembers a day
A day that she wants back

Slowly she fades away
Silently she's fading
Her soul disappearing
Her life leaving her
Eventually there will be nothing behind those eyes
Does anyone notice
Notice there is no more sparkle in her eyes
Notice the mask she wears
Notice the hurt beneath the lies she wears
She keeps pushing
Pushing them away
They go with no resistance
They don't even fight
Only disappear into the dark
Never to return
She wants to leave
Never come back
Nobody would stop her
Nobody would be able to find her
She'd only be a memory
That soon they'd forget

She looks your way
Her eyes screaming a silent 'Help Me'
Underneath that radiant smile
Do you hear the silent cry
Do you see the hurt that she hides
Do you notice the pain she is in
Do you help her
Do you tell her you are there if she wants to talk
Do you tell her let me help you

Does anyone know what real pain is like
Do they know how it feels to hear words echo in your mind
See images in the mirror of what isn't there
Feel nothing inside of you
And yet
Feel so much pain inside of you
How it feels to be ripped apart
Your soul taken
You wonder how to go on
But somehow you continue to smile
Though behind that smile you are dieing
You continue to put one foot in front of the other
Though you can barely move

I Love You
Years I have held onto that secret
Years I haven't been able to say it
I fall in love with you all over again
Everytime I see you
Everytime I am near you
When I am around you - the words just don't come out
When they do - they come out wrong
I heard a quote once from Felicity that hit home,

"It was like we could speak without words.
I don't know how or where we learned it,
but in those silences - I heard you.
And now I am left with words. These useless words.
When all I want is to be beside you again.
To make you feel safe.
To help you sleep.
To bring you back to me."

I never thought I'd lose you
And now here I am without you
I told someone once
That I would rather have you as a friend
Than lose you as a lover
Now I don't even have you as a friend
I can't deny my feelings for you - they are too strong
I love you so much
I only want you to be happy as it seems you are
There are few things I can control
I can't control my feelings
But I can control how much I am near you
So as much as it hurts
I choose to stay away
But I'll always be a phone call away

 

 

(Real Media Player Required to play vid)

I have butterflies in my stomach
My heart is pounding so hard I hear it
My body is heating up
I feel light-headed
If I don't get a grip I might faint
You weaken me and turn me soft
My body is tingling with anticipation
I bite my lip to keep from smiling
My mind spins with bad thoughts
Nobody exists but you and I
I can't think straight
I try to talk but the words jumble
Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?
Should I tell you?

I say everything he doesn't want to hear
I do everything that he wouldn't want me do
I've been running from him my entire life
I forever will
Why do I run?
Because with him there is real love
And real love is real scary

Nobody knows my true nature
If they did they wouldn't want to be around me
I only let people know the person they want to know
Not the real me that hides inside
Nobody wants to know that side of me
So she sits quietly aside watching and studying
The moment she chooses to speak is when jaws drop to the floor
The moment she chooses to come out eyes bulge

This cannot be the same girl!

Wonder what else goes through my head?
Simply ask when we're alone, but be prepared for when the real me comes out.
She'll only come out for a select few.
She must trust you not to reveal her secrets before she'll come out...

Like a cat she prowls, like a cat she stalks, and like a cat she sits quietly aside until she decides to come out to play...

Why have I never given myself to you?
Because I am afraid
Afraid of you
Afraid of letting you get to close
Because of the possibility
The possibility that exists for real love between us
And I am afraid of that
I am afraid of you and the way you make me feel
I fall in love with you over and over again
Everytime I see you
Everytime I am near you

For Willow
His birthday is less than a week away
This boy that will turn 9
On his way to becoming a man
I watch him sitting at the table
Dark head bowed
Dark eyes solemn
"My only birthday wish...
Is for Willow to be alive."
He still has 3 cats running around
You've been gone less than a day
What am I to say?