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My cat, Tabitha, is sick and dying
(April 13, 2009)
Unloading some pain...
Give vid a second to load before playing. Saved in lower bandwidth so older computers can handle it. Song is by Yurima 'Rive Flows in You.' If you want the HQ vid of this, go to YouTube and search out 'katkisa' and you can see the original vid, without the lower bandwidth.
HQ of the vid. Same thing, but without pictures at beginning and music. The original.
April 14, 2009 - UPDATE - We've reached the end
This morning I woke up and I knew. I mean literally, I woke up and... I knew. I got out of bed and there was ice all around covering everything. The world was cold, dark and foggy. Literally. Even though the heater was on--my mom left it on for Tabitha last night since it was going to be a cold night--I was cold. (Now the sun is slightly out and it's warmer) I walked into the living room and saw Tabitha lying on the floor. She didn't really rouse too much. I thought she was dead, but she was in a deep sleep. She knew we'd got up and came into the living room, but didn't bother moving until I put the dogs out to potty and came into the living room and opened the curtains. And I knew when I looked at her that it was time.
If there was one thing I promised her, it was that I wouldn't allow her to get to the point where she was in pain. I wouldn't allow it to come to the point where she couldn't walk and would soil herself. She is a fastidious cat and always prided herself on staying clean. I noticed that last night she started cleaning herself more than normal so I knew that her kidneys were bothering her and she was beginning to leak, but I had aboslutely NO plans on being premature about my decision. I knew that she would tell me when she was ready and I was hoping that I could give it a few more days. Call me selfish, but I wanted my cat to last longer. And here I am crying again. I've spent all day crying and don't seem to be able to stop myself, but I'm also not trying to not cry. Today is not the day if someone has a problem seeing me cry, that they should be anywhere near me. I am unabashadely grieving for the loss of my baby girl.
As soon as I looked at Tabitha this morning, I started tearing up because I knew it was time to put her down. She told me that it was time when I lay down beside her while the dogs were outside. I cried. I didn't work out this morning. Anyone that knows me knows that even when I'm sick I TRY to work out. I couldn't bring myself to leave Tabitha this morning. I lay on the floor beside her and just cried with her purring to tell me it was okay. I couldn't bring myself to leave her side for the two hours it took my mom to get up. I just lay with her and cried. She tried wandering to the bathroom and I still wasn't sure I could make the decision to put her down. But when she went to the bathroom and it was black and tarry I knew that her liver was shutting down and I was making the correct decision. She spent all morning using her energy to get ready for the moment and purring for me to know it was okay. It didn't help much. I thought I'd cried myself out before my mom got up.
My mom had bought her some special Fancy Feast meat last night so Tabitha used her energy to lick up a lot of the gravy that was on the plate. I told grandma this morning that Tabitha did it for her. My mom was still denying the fact and hoping it was just something the doctor could give her a pill to fix. I told her it was old age finally coming. Tabitha was going to be 14 this Oct 4th. She told me she was up with her all night up and down tending to her, but Tabitha didn't want eat or drink anything else. This morning she refused anything I gave her and I knew she was ready to go. I wouldn't let her get worse. She wouldn't have made it past tonight or tomorrow for sure, but I refused to allow her to feel any kind of discomfort and she looked as if she was getting to the point. She was having problems walking. I wouldn't do her the disservice of allowing her to soil herself, or not be able to take care of herself like she was always good at.
All day Tabitha had been purring and loving on me so I think that not only was it the fact that she was ready to go, but she knew I was finally ready to let her go. When my mom got up she called the vet and told them Tabitha was worse and we wanted make sure to put her down before she would feel pain so she took her in at 10:30 am (I had to clean her bottom because she'd soiled herself right before leaving, which didn't make her too happy--and she really didn't approve of the way I cleaned her. She meowed to tell me I wasn't good enough :)) and I arranged for a private cremation. I couldn't let her go. I kissed her and kissed her over and over again, telling her I loved her, allowing her to be kissed by all the dogs and the kitten Dakota, which they all did. Amber and her sat facing each other this morning and that was another way I knew she was saying good-bye. I wished I got a picture of it. They were just sitting there facing each other for a moment and it was precious.
I kept telling Tabitha I loved her over and over again. Crying the entire time. My mom's dog Chewbacca brought out his stuffed bear he loves and dropped it at my mom's feet when she went to get Tabitha from my arms so she took the bear with Tabitha to the doctor. Chewbacca always brings someone that stuffed bear when they are sick to make them feel better. Sometimes I believe his is more human than any animal should be.
I pretty much did the all out ugly cry as soon as my mom walked out the door with Tabitha and I'm crying as I write this. Can't seem to stop at all today. Here I was yesterday wondering how I was holding it all together and now today I can't stop crying my eyes out and doing what Oprah calls the "ugly cry" which means just that. You're balling your eyes out and you can't be cute when all hell breaks loose.
When my mom took Tabitha I had to clean up the living room because she'd soiled the sheet we have on the floor for the dogs. I wanted make sure everything was cleaned up so the dogs wouldn't get it on them. I was a little hurt that she did get to the point, but I knew it was her just letting go at the moment she knew she was being let go so that's okay. She wasn't in serious pain and was still okay. While I was cleaning, my brother's kitten (7 months) Dakota brought me up her favorite rattle kitty and just left it at my feet while I was working. It's this thing that's nearly 6 inches. We'd given it to her to beat up as a kitten so she'd leard to beat IT up and not US. Well now it's her favorite toy. It's got a rattle in it and she brings it all over the hosue with her and sleeps with it a lot. She's always cleaning it and playing with it, so like Chewbie and his bears, it's HER favorite and best toy in the world. She brought it to lie at my feet to make me feel better.
Everyone is quiet now. I can't stop kissing Chewbacca and hugging Sabrina. Dakota wouldn't eat off Tabitha's table so I had to move the dish so she would. She only just finally decided to lay on her spot, but I had to change the blanket. She keeps wandering around the house looking for Tabitha and staring at the spot in the kitchen where Tabitha spent most of her time in the end. Yesterday Tabitha wanted sleep all day in the living room with us so I knew the time was coming nearer.
I know I did right by her and I know it was only old age and not some disease since she'd never even been sick in all her life, but my heart breaks and wishes I could already have her back. I told her before she left that she could move on if she wanted to but to also know that she was always welcome to come back here anytime because I loved her and didn't want lose her, but if she wanted move on and be with everyone that has passed, I would still love her and miss her and I do.
I love her.
I miss her.
I will always love her.
Before (she was a talker) (http://babygirl2you.angelfire.com/tabitha.html)
October 4, 1995 - April 15, 2009 10:35 am
Gone, but never forgotten
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
Do not stand at my grave and mourn.
I am the dew-flecked grass at dawn.
Where tranquil oceans meet the land
I am the footprints in the sand
To guide you through the weary day.
I am still here; I'll always stay.
When you wake up to morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.
~ © Mary Frye~
From a friend - thank you Dawn it helps a lot, hugs
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